Posted on Oct 02, 2004
Being an Atlanta native I find this post to be funny
but readers from other parts of the globe may not
find this all that funny. Feel free to skip.
Mattel announces limited-edition Barbie dolls for the
Atlanta metropolitan market
This princess Barbie is only sold at Phipps Plaza. She
comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags,
a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign lap-dog named
Honey, and a cookie-cutter dream house with a water
feature in front. Available with or without tummy tuck
and face lift. Workaholic ex-husband Ken comes with
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with
Ford Windstar mini-van and matching gym suit. She gets
lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary
education. Traffic-jamming cell sold separately. Can
swear in English, Spanish, Chinese, Korean or
Vietnamese, but she’s not sure which is which. Available
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun,
bowie knife, a ’78 El Camino with dark tinted windows,
and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark
and can only be bought with cash, preferably small bills,
unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW
convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks
cup, credit card set, and country club membership. Also
available are Shallow Ken and Spanish-speaking Nanny.
Dunwoody Barbie hasn’t been affordable since the early 80’s.
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans
two sizes too small, a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety
Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Wants to major in NASCAR at
Clayton State College. She has a six-pack of Coors Light
and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet
and kick mullet-haired Ken’s ass when she is drunk.
Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate
flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Available at Southlake
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of
her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the
time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Jonesboro Barbie’s
(discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-
washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss, and a
see-through halter top. Comes with Barbie’s Dream Double
Wide trailer. Available at Wal-Mart. Cheap.
This collagen-injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears leopard print
spandex and drinks cosmopolitans to new age music with
friends at the lodge. Into crystals. Comes with Percocet
prescription and botox. Also cheap.
College Park Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll.
Optional accessories include a G.E.D. and bus pass to
Kennesaw State University. Gangsta Ken and his ’79 Caddy
were available, but are now very difficult to find since the
addition of the infant doll.
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown
hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks
with white socks. She prefers that you call her “Willow.” She
does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two
Decatur Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a
rainbow flag sticker free.
Pregnant at purchase, Alpharetta Barbie drives a new Ford
Excursion and is perfect in every way. We don’t know who
Ken is because he’s always away hunting or in Japan on
business. Alpharetta Barbie aspires to become Buckhead
Barbie. Comes with cell phone and gym membership. Purchase
the BarbieTech laptop and receive a free month of AOL. Not
cheap, but still very naive.
Into football, animals and bonfires. Does nothing but complain
about Midtown Barbie/Ken. (I don’t really get this one)
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota
with expired temporary plates and three babies in the back,
without car seats. This is the only Barbie willing to do manual
labor. Ken comes in a meat-packer’s uniform and is missing
three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not yet available
for Buford Barbie or Ken. Available only at Value City.
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken
by simply adding or subtracting the “snap-on” parts. Likes to
“experiment.” Doesn’t understand why Smyrna Barbie complains