Posted Sep 24 2003
How to Get Fired
- Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the
direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail to a co
-worker and ask them to settle the disagreement.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)
3. Name all your pens and insist that meetings can’t begin until they’re all present.
4. Come to work in your pajamas.
5. Put a picture of your mother on your business card.
6. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names.
“That’s a good point Sparky.” “No I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with
you there, Chachi.”
7. Include a piece of your children’s artwork as a cover page for all reports that you
write. (If you don’t have children, draw stick figures yourself.)
8. Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm. When everyone gets to the meeting, tell them
to go home.
9. Volunteer to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s
Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.
10. Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For
example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”
11. No matter what anyone asks you, reply “OK” while nodding.
12. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”
13. Grow mold in your coffee cup.
14. Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a
loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.
15. When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, “I think my
phone is ringing” and leave. Go get a coffee.
16. Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many” and send a memo about it to
17. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
18. Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.
19. Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair.
20. Talk into your daytimer.
21. Duct Tape Christmas lights around the top of your cubicle.
22. Include a personal note on every e-mail you send. “On a personal note,
I’m feeling a bit tired and grumpy today.” Or, “On a personal note, I’m pleased to
announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night.”
23. Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn’t turn out quite right as special
treats for your co-workers.
24. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
25. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to
pass them off as your children.
26. For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the company
27. Send blind e-mail messages announcing “Free pizza and doughnuts in the
lunchroom!” When people complain that there was none, just lean back,
pat your stomach, and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.” Do this
continually nobody believes you anymore. Then order in pizzas and
doughnuts in the lunchroom.
28. Secretly put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. Watch the fireworks that will
29. When you go to a party at somebody’s house, don’t automatically assume that
the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.
30. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for
31. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
32. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with